Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
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“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
when mom throws a party…
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.