8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
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If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?