None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
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You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what