“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
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My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.