I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
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[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
The struggle is real
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.