You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
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Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.