Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
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Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!