Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
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I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
A family that plays together cheats.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree