Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
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[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Natural selection at its finest
welp
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”