if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
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me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”