[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
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When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.