[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
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If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
At least try to make it slightly believable
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”