“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
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[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
calling in to work dehydrated
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk