Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
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I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.