I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
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The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward