‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
You Might Also Like
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.