Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
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Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
That’s no pocket rocket.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting