Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
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Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
want me to check your oil?
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.