There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
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Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down