Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
You Might Also Like
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?