If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
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If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?