Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
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The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
me refusing to leave twitter
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.