Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
You Might Also Like
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?