It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
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Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok