Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
You Might Also Like
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what