Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
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If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
how long have you had this for?
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.