Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
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student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective