Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
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I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably