My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
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I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.