FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
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Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Kentucky names the shit out of places
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*