A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
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Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.