Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
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Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line