As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
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No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]