Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
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[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.