Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
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ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
💁🏻♂️
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back