My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
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I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
This is a whole mood;
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
👾👾👾
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
crying
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.