You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
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One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I remember when things only cost an arm.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]