I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
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it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Hey i am sexy to you now
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
adding to the discourse
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
three things we don’t talk about
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”