Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
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a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.