interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
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Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
why I oughta
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”