Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
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Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
This was a bad idea all around
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras