“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
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when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Bros before Ohioes
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?