Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
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I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y