being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
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Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
My Sentiments Exactly
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.