Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
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Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.