Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
You Might Also Like
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Simple enough.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.