I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
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My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.