You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
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Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?