I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
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Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
bought wrong eggs
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I hope this email finds you in a well
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.