I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
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*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Miscakes
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.